I just wanted to write this journal to show Im still alive, its just been a rough month for me, a few things happened that I didnt want to talk about, it did stack and just made me lose the activity to draw.
One of the first things was one of my friends, Neil, aka DrawPonies, who had to block me from his art stream, which I very much enjoyed watching. I loved receiving the notification to know he's streaming, it's fun watching him stream while I draw, and from time to time, I love commenting. Usually joke around, but never saying anything that will offend, but for a few of his mods, they didnt like it when I mention my love for the "Flashlight ship", they kicked me out for saying I love that ship, I was also kicked out for calling the commissioner's OC "adorable", he didnt want me to call it adorable and kicked me out for doing so. I also do tend to chat in short sentences, meaning I would say one thing, then finish them off a few sentences later, I was later ban when my last words were "I agree with Neil, Dashie is the cutest pony". Of course we bronies joke around with the whole "best pony" deal, but man, once I saw my name in the banned list, I was just really sad to see that, Neil told me that it was his decision, that those mods dont like how I talk a lot, and even to this day, still dont get why I was banned, and neither do some of his watchers.
two weeks later, I come back, but not logged in, which I almost forgot, that if logged out, I can enter a new username and still watch. I come in, and the same modders that kicked me out, whisper to me to get the hell out of there, and one who threw an insult at me, meanwhile, some of them were happy to see me. I didnt want to start anything, I didnt want to mention my ban, I just told everyone "Im just here to enjoy the stream, I miss you guys, and these streams". Neil whispered to me that I broke the rules coming back, and that Im now banned again for doing so, again, I didnt want to get involved and get into anymore, I just left it with that.
I put that behind me and continued drawing and attending my school, but then in my April drill, I got the devistating news:
I've been trying to keep this to myself for a little over a week, I only told a few of my friends and an academic advisor from my college because I didnt want it to be a big deal, or receive a bunch of messages saying "you'll be fine" and most of them being the same comments.
On my last day of my military April drill, I asked where one of my best friends were, his name was SPT Swank, me and him were great friends, we've known eachother for 4 years. Swank and I talked every drill, he was such a nice guy, one you can trust to get the task done. We hugged, walked together, worked together, and he even offered to buy my lunch a few times. Now, if you remember my journal of me talking about my loss of another friend that I worked with, Yarbrough, yeah, Swank and Yarbrough helped me during the two week drill from last year, by offering to buy us cooks laundry detergent, Coke, snacks, and other needs that we cant get from the store, since me and the cooks were in the desert.
Well, now you know Swank, great guy from what it sounds, but man, I was so wrong. After coming back from the mission, I asked one of my friends as we drove back, what happened to Swank. He told me the horrible news:
"Didn't you hear? That piece of sh** Swank was sent to jail, he's the one who killed Yarbrough, he shot him with a pistol, asked him where the money was, Yarbrough didnt have it, so he was shot in the head"
I, was shocked, stunned, wrapping my head around those words, I could not believe what Swank did, that sounded nothing like him. I hate using this word, because I'm never depressed, but for the whole week, and after, I was very much depressed, I cried so hard, about 6 times in one day after every time Im over it, I cry again, I hit my bed a few times before I sleep. and took hour long walks, and during those walks, I have the fear of one of my friends driving by and killing me.
I passed by the bridge looking at it, and NO, I would never think of killing myself, I was looking at it for another reason. I remember talking to one of my friends, and who I love to call the mascot of the company, Chapstick. Chapstick is a really hilarious guy, he cracks me up everytime he opens his mouth, and we all seriously love Chapstick so very much......but, I found him crying one night outside sitting on the sand, he was hurt, he found out his dad was taken to jail, to top off the story of his brother Danny died last month, his brother he had a love hate relationship with. Chapstick wanted Danny to be proud of him, and Chapstick wanted to be like him, even if Danny was a drug addict. Danny was found dead from overdose.
So to round up, his brother is dead, his dad went to jail, and now Yarbrough is dead. I talked with Chapstick, he told me that last month when he came out of the mental hospital, he looked at the bridge and said he wanted to JUMP OFF!!!
I cant think of anything else guys, its been crazy, and I dont even think anyone will read all of this, I just wanted to get this off my back, but if anyone has made it this far in reading this, let me know your thoughts, I would love to hear them, and for any artists out there, let me know how you handle art blocks, because I never had one until now, and man, its just sad. Thank you guys, especially those who read all this, I promise you guys, I will not stop making art, this is just temporary, and I hope you guys understand. <3